Every Sunday, I organize a Reiki circle with the lovely Andrea Kartika Deierlein from Thrive Reiki (in my community, Reiki circles are the new Sunday brunch). Before we admit people in the Zoom Room, we spend a few minutes chatting about the day’s theme or meditation.
Last Sunday, we were talking about how we can’t make plans for the future. This is hard on us: we both have family members in Europe, and we used to look forward to those visits.
It made me think about how I am pretty much a “looking-forward” kind of person. Looking forward to the day I would graduate and start working encouraged me to push through years of boredom at university. When I worked full time, looking forward to a Reiki retreat or a vacation allowed me to get through long days of insane stress.
Looking forward to meeting someone, got me through some terrible dates (every New Yorker goes through these—it’s like a rite of passage to test your grit.)
In hindsight, however, I realize that—on many occasions—the “looking forward” also made me stay in situations that were not worth it: toxic relationships, jobs with poor boundaries, etc. I tend to live in the future instead of the now, and that sometimes limits my ability to make changes that would allow me to live the present with more ease.
Of course, I am looking forward to this pandemic madness to end, loosen up, or whatever term you would like to use. But, given the current uncertainty, it’s probably the first time in my life I have no plans, nothing to look forward to or, should I say, nothing to escape too. I am just drifting.
And although this lack of things to look forward to in the future feels horribly depressing at times, it’s also very rich in gifts. I am more present when I eat and enjoy food a lot more (and I am an average cook at best). Washing the dishes feels like a meditation. I even discovered that I walk with most of my weight on the right side (why?!?), which is probably the reason I struggle with my left side in martial arts. Weird insightful experiences that only happen in emptiness.
As I see the world opening up from my computer (we in New York seems to be trapped in this lockdown forever) I wonder if, as soon as I can book a ticket, this ability will vanish, if I will trade the present once more for a future to look forward to or if I will find the right balance.
How are you dealing with the uncertainty? I would love to hear. You can reply to this email or DM through Facebook or Instagram.
Sending much love,
Nathalie